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The Christmas Holiday approached and passed as fast as the bottles of wine that were consumed.
I was soaked in self pity for the Thanksgiving Holiday, because ... well, because being a Single Momma often comes with bouts of self pity at times, and anger, as the reminder that I'm raising my daughter alone resurfaces, like a wound that simply won't heal. And I guess it's only natural to feel a certain void, especially when Holidays are depicted in every holiday movie, TV sitcom, commercial and advertisement as most enjoyable and full-filling when spent with family.
But I was determined to celebrate Christmas the best I could under the circumstances. For, Ari's sake, because she may be only 10 months (as of December 30th), but I know how kids are. I was one some ages ago, and I remember searching for photographs and asking my mother why didn't I have the same photo as the other kids did, or why didn't we celebrate Christmas prior to me turning five years old.
My mother's reasons and situation were completely different than mine; she was from India, new to the United States back then and wasn't aware that you didn't have to be Catholic to enjoy or partake in Christmas celebrations. When I started school and the holiday season countdown began, and I realized all my friends celebrated this spectacular holiday by exchanging presents, had a pretty tree and ate cookies and candies, I asked my mom if Santa didn't like us. The next day, my mother dragged my father to Bradlees (remember this department store from the 80s?) and they bought an artificial tree and our first set of ornaments. And that tree was put up every December until I turned about 14 or 15 years old.
My love and excitement for the holiday season only came to be because of my mother, who was determined to make sure I wouldn't feel left out. For me, even though my mother passed away in 2007, Christmas will always be synonymous with my mother and I have the warmest feelings when the first signs of the holidays arrive. And I want my daughter to feel the same and grow to love the holiday ... all types of Holidays.
And I agree, my circumstances are not as gruesome as I sometimes allow myself to believe, but at times I don't feel I have any spirit left in my body, let alone Christmas Spirit. Still, I wanted to make sure that I had a cute--maybe not spectacular--story that would show Ariyana that this Single Momma will do anything to make sure she is super-loved. I took videos and photographs of her smiling, playing with hard-as-rock store bought Christmas Cookies, that I can't believe I found here in India--that was miracle enough! Hopefully, she'll feel warm and fuzzy when she watches herself dancing around in her walker to Christmas music that I blasted from my laptop.
I will say that it wasn't easy to climb out of bed on Christmas Eve, knowing this year I didn't have my usual entourage to help me sing 'Joy to the World'. The past few years I was in the states, even though my mother wasn't around to spread good cheer, and had a father whose words and actions were/are obstructive at best, I was happy to at least spend the holiday with my brother and sister-in-law, best friends, and family friends. But here in India, I was alone--except for Ari and a few new friends. So, for Ari's sake, I decided to hike to the grocery store with her in the baby bag on the front of me, and carried an empty backpack to lug my groceries home. And I'm so glad I decided to take her with me, even though it was a bit difficult crossing the haywire traffic, plus she's getting heavier! Once I saw her eyes sparkle as she grabbed onto the Christmas Cookies, and tried to rip open the plastic wrap, after I laughed, I realized the holidays HAVE to be all about her now. I realized that my tears, frowns, broken heart, struggles I face everyday, and feelings of loneliness all need to melt away like snowflakes on a sunny day. Her excitement instantly warmed my cold heart like a Godiva-flavored hot cup of cocoa.
The walk home seemed a bit longer than usual. Perhaps it was the 14 pounds of groceries I was carrying! But I was suddenly humming, "Here Comes Santa" and I was under the spell of the Christmas Spirit. That night, even though I normally have an allergy to anything cooking-related, or to the kitchen, for that matter, I enjoyed making my shrimp with marinara sauce and bow-tie pasta dish. Maybe it was the glass of wine I had while I tossed the shrimp. Who knows? Or maybe it was the fact my daughter had the biggest smile on her face.
She was pooped and I knew she'd be out like a light at any moment, but she was fighting to stay awake, which meant she wanted to continue enjoying her time with me, so I must have done something right. While I ate, she sucked on her bottle of milk and smirked in between, and it made me wonder. In the states, almost everyone I know, including me, at this time of year, usually makes ourselves overwhelmed with having to buy presents, beating others to get a tree and our houses decorated with lights, and making sure ours is THE best one on the street, like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons Christmas Vacation movie. I'm thankful for this simplicity this year, even though I miss a few select people.
I know there are many people who don't even have the means to manage a simple meal like this, who who don't have a roof over their heads and can't afford Christmas Cookies, or can't be with their children--like the people in the armed forces, or those that were taken away by a senseless crime. So, I know I am blessed. It may not have been the way I intended my daughter's first Christmas to be, but we were together and she and I were smiling, happy and had fun, and one day when we look at the photographs and videos it will speak the truth; it was a joy. I guess this is the true essence of Christmas. Hope you all had a similar enriching experience!
I was soaked in self pity for the Thanksgiving Holiday, because ... well, because being a Single Momma often comes with bouts of self pity at times, and anger, as the reminder that I'm raising my daughter alone resurfaces, like a wound that simply won't heal. And I guess it's only natural to feel a certain void, especially when Holidays are depicted in every holiday movie, TV sitcom, commercial and advertisement as most enjoyable and full-filling when spent with family.
But I was determined to celebrate Christmas the best I could under the circumstances. For, Ari's sake, because she may be only 10 months (as of December 30th), but I know how kids are. I was one some ages ago, and I remember searching for photographs and asking my mother why didn't I have the same photo as the other kids did, or why didn't we celebrate Christmas prior to me turning five years old.
My mother's reasons and situation were completely different than mine; she was from India, new to the United States back then and wasn't aware that you didn't have to be Catholic to enjoy or partake in Christmas celebrations. When I started school and the holiday season countdown began, and I realized all my friends celebrated this spectacular holiday by exchanging presents, had a pretty tree and ate cookies and candies, I asked my mom if Santa didn't like us. The next day, my mother dragged my father to Bradlees (remember this department store from the 80s?) and they bought an artificial tree and our first set of ornaments. And that tree was put up every December until I turned about 14 or 15 years old.
My love and excitement for the holiday season only came to be because of my mother, who was determined to make sure I wouldn't feel left out. For me, even though my mother passed away in 2007, Christmas will always be synonymous with my mother and I have the warmest feelings when the first signs of the holidays arrive. And I want my daughter to feel the same and grow to love the holiday ... all types of Holidays.
And I agree, my circumstances are not as gruesome as I sometimes allow myself to believe, but at times I don't feel I have any spirit left in my body, let alone Christmas Spirit. Still, I wanted to make sure that I had a cute--maybe not spectacular--story that would show Ariyana that this Single Momma will do anything to make sure she is super-loved. I took videos and photographs of her smiling, playing with hard-as-rock store bought Christmas Cookies, that I can't believe I found here in India--that was miracle enough! Hopefully, she'll feel warm and fuzzy when she watches herself dancing around in her walker to Christmas music that I blasted from my laptop.
I will say that it wasn't easy to climb out of bed on Christmas Eve, knowing this year I didn't have my usual entourage to help me sing 'Joy to the World'. The past few years I was in the states, even though my mother wasn't around to spread good cheer, and had a father whose words and actions were/are obstructive at best, I was happy to at least spend the holiday with my brother and sister-in-law, best friends, and family friends. But here in India, I was alone--except for Ari and a few new friends. So, for Ari's sake, I decided to hike to the grocery store with her in the baby bag on the front of me, and carried an empty backpack to lug my groceries home. And I'm so glad I decided to take her with me, even though it was a bit difficult crossing the haywire traffic, plus she's getting heavier! Once I saw her eyes sparkle as she grabbed onto the Christmas Cookies, and tried to rip open the plastic wrap, after I laughed, I realized the holidays HAVE to be all about her now. I realized that my tears, frowns, broken heart, struggles I face everyday, and feelings of loneliness all need to melt away like snowflakes on a sunny day. Her excitement instantly warmed my cold heart like a Godiva-flavored hot cup of cocoa.
The walk home seemed a bit longer than usual. Perhaps it was the 14 pounds of groceries I was carrying! But I was suddenly humming, "Here Comes Santa" and I was under the spell of the Christmas Spirit. That night, even though I normally have an allergy to anything cooking-related, or to the kitchen, for that matter, I enjoyed making my shrimp with marinara sauce and bow-tie pasta dish. Maybe it was the glass of wine I had while I tossed the shrimp. Who knows? Or maybe it was the fact my daughter had the biggest smile on her face.
She was pooped and I knew she'd be out like a light at any moment, but she was fighting to stay awake, which meant she wanted to continue enjoying her time with me, so I must have done something right. While I ate, she sucked on her bottle of milk and smirked in between, and it made me wonder. In the states, almost everyone I know, including me, at this time of year, usually makes ourselves overwhelmed with having to buy presents, beating others to get a tree and our houses decorated with lights, and making sure ours is THE best one on the street, like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons Christmas Vacation movie. I'm thankful for this simplicity this year, even though I miss a few select people.
I know there are many people who don't even have the means to manage a simple meal like this, who who don't have a roof over their heads and can't afford Christmas Cookies, or can't be with their children--like the people in the armed forces, or those that were taken away by a senseless crime. So, I know I am blessed. It may not have been the way I intended my daughter's first Christmas to be, but we were together and she and I were smiling, happy and had fun, and one day when we look at the photographs and videos it will speak the truth; it was a joy. I guess this is the true essence of Christmas. Hope you all had a similar enriching experience!
