Sunday, December 23, 2012

Just right or not enough?

November 23, 2012

Are there other mothers or single parents (dads too!) that ever feel this way or am I the only one?

I constantly wonder if I'm really a good mom. Am I letting her sleep too much, or am I letting her get away with not sticking to a certain bedtime? If I leave her crying on the floor or bed too long, I feel like others (neighbors) will think I don't care about my child crying, and if I pick her up and soothe her each time she cries for me, I feel like I'm giving in to her manipulation and that it will create a bad pattern.

I want her to be independent, but I don't want her to think I don't care. I want her to build and learn to have a "safe" feeling with me. I'm thinking ahead... I want her to feel like I will always be there for her no matter what. I want to create an atmosphere where she will feel at ease to she share anything with me.  I want to her feel confident that I will always be there for here if she is ever in deep trouble. And I feel like that starts now. Or maybe I read it somewhere, and I'm just freaking out.

So, why do I feel like the most terrible mother when I try to have my "me time"? When I'm out, and supposed to be enjoying adult time with friends, I'm constantly thinking about my daughter, even though I know I'm out to free my mind, and rejuvenate myself so I can give my best to her. I guess I always worry that I'll miss a significant development, or that she is probably experiencing separation anxiety, which is often developed in the 8th month, or so I read somewhere. ( I do a lot reading these days at 4 am when I'm at my wits end!) 


She's at the stage where she clings to only me, and won't let anyone else, except the maid/part-time nanny, hold her, which makes friends so uncomfortable, and difficult for me to get anything done--even writing, or a quick trip to the bathroom!

I watch her sleep, and I wonder if I'm giving her everything she needs to be happy. I'm not talking about the basics - diapers, milk, safe place to rest her head, and love from me, but I really wonder if I'm letting her down in any way, if I'm disciplining her appropriately or enough, teaching her the right tools in life so she won't become a leach on society and on (me!). I wonder if she is experiencing all of life that a child her age should be experiencing and making memories from. And since I do it all on my own, without an active father, though she has male role models in her life, I wonder what is she really missing out on, and am I enough for her?

And I don't have to try to keep her my priority, she is one, but after worrying about work, daily routines, getting her ready and prepared for the day, and calming my own insanity, I honestly feel like I forget to let her experience certain things on her own, simply because it is easier for me to do it for her. Certain things like, letting herself make a mess and try to examine her food, and maybe try to feed herself, and picking her up and calming her cries, because the screeching is annoying me and I have to get back to work in a peaceful atmosphere.

She smiles, and laughs, and plays with me a lot, and I know she trusts me and loves to be with me, but she cries an awful lot too, especially when I put her down for even a moment. I feel she doesn't seem to like her independent playtime. Is she like this because she is unhappy? Is this because she doesn't have an active father in her life? Or is this normal? I don't know.

Every time a holiday or festival comes around, I see other children experiencing it with their families and even though she doesn't understand much of the holidays, I wonder how she will feel when doesn't find a photograph of her "first" holiday. Am I just being paranoid? Am I over thinking? Am I being obsessive? I guess this is all emerging with Thanksgiving being yesterday...

And being in foreign country, India, our outings our limited too, though I and my friends try to take her out even for walk (well, she can't exactly walk - I walk and she eye-walks), but I do know a visit outside and even a short walk to the market really boosts her spirit.

I only wonder incessantly if I'm allowing her to experience life as she should be, or am I limiting her in any way, which will incapacitate her ability to develop into an affectionate, compassionate, strong, honest, confident, happy, contributing member of society and proud of herself.

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