Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Essence of Christmas

The Christmas Holiday approached and passed as fast as the bottles of wine that were consumed.

I was soaked in self pity for the Thanksgiving Holiday, because ... well, because being a Single Momma often comes with bouts of self pity at times, and anger, as the reminder that I'm raising my daughter alone resurfaces, like a wound that simply won't heal. And I guess it's only natural to feel a certain void, especially when Holidays are depicted in every holiday movie, TV sitcom, commercial and advertisement as most enjoyable and full-filling when spent with family.

But I was determined to celebrate Christmas the best I could under the circumstances.  For, Ari's sake, because she may be only 10 months (as of December 30th), but I know how kids are.  I was one some ages ago, and I remember searching for photographs and asking my mother why didn't I have the same photo as the other kids did, or why didn't we celebrate Christmas prior to me turning five years old.

My mother's reasons and situation were completely different than mine; she was from India, new to the United States back then and wasn't aware that you didn't have to be Catholic to enjoy or partake in Christmas celebrations.  When I started school and the holiday season countdown began, and I realized all my friends celebrated this spectacular holiday by exchanging presents, had a pretty tree and ate cookies and candies, I asked my mom if Santa didn't like us.  The next day, my mother dragged my father to Bradlees (remember this department store from the 80s?) and they bought an artificial tree and our first set of ornaments.  And that tree was put up every December until I turned about 14 or 15 years old.

My love and excitement for the holiday season only came to be because of my mother, who was determined to make sure I wouldn't feel left out. For me, even though my mother passed away in 2007, Christmas will always be synonymous with my mother and I have the warmest feelings when the first signs of the holidays arrive.  And I want my daughter to feel the same and grow to love the holiday ... all types of Holidays.

And I agree, my circumstances are not as gruesome as I sometimes allow myself to believe, but at times I don't feel I have any spirit left in my body, let alone Christmas Spirit.  Still, I wanted to make sure that I had a cute--maybe not spectacular--story that would show Ariyana that this Single Momma will do anything to make sure she is super-loved.  I took videos and photographs of her smiling, playing with hard-as-rock store bought Christmas Cookies, that I can't believe I found here in India--that was miracle enough! Hopefully, she'll feel warm and fuzzy when she watches herself dancing around in her walker to Christmas music that I blasted from my laptop.

I will say that it wasn't easy to climb out of bed on Christmas Eve, knowing this year I didn't have my usual entourage to help me sing 'Joy to the World'.  The past few years I was in the states, even though my mother wasn't around to spread good cheer, and had a father whose words and actions were/are obstructive at best, I was happy to at least spend the holiday with my brother and sister-in-law, best friends, and family friends.  But here in India, I was alone--except for Ari and a few new friends. So, for Ari's sake, I decided to hike to the grocery store with her in the baby bag on the front of me, and carried an empty backpack to lug my groceries home. And I'm so glad I decided to take her with me, even though it was a bit difficult crossing the haywire traffic, plus she's getting heavier!  Once I saw her eyes sparkle as she grabbed onto the Christmas Cookies, and tried to rip open the plastic wrap, after I laughed, I realized the holidays HAVE to be all about her now.  I realized that my tears, frowns, broken heart, struggles I face everyday, and feelings of loneliness all need to melt away like snowflakes on a sunny day.  Her excitement instantly warmed my cold heart like a Godiva-flavored hot cup of cocoa.

The walk home seemed a bit longer than usual. Perhaps it was the 14 pounds of groceries I was carrying! But I was suddenly humming, "Here Comes Santa" and I was under the spell of the Christmas Spirit.  That night, even though I normally have an allergy to anything cooking-related, or to the kitchen, for that matter, I enjoyed making my shrimp with marinara sauce and bow-tie pasta dish.  Maybe it was the glass of wine I had while I tossed the shrimp.  Who knows? Or maybe it was the fact my daughter had the biggest smile on her face.

She was pooped and I knew she'd be out like a light at any moment, but she was fighting to stay awake, which meant she wanted to continue enjoying her time with me, so I must have done something right.  While I ate, she sucked on her bottle of milk and smirked in between, and it made me wonder. In the states, almost everyone I know, including me, at this time of year, usually makes ourselves overwhelmed with having to buy presents, beating others to get a tree and our houses decorated with lights, and making sure ours is THE best one on the street, like Chevy Chase in the National Lampoons Christmas Vacation movie.  I'm thankful for this simplicity this year, even though I miss a few select people.

I know there are many people who don't even have the means to manage a simple meal like this, who who don't have a roof over their heads and can't afford Christmas Cookies, or can't be with their children--like the people in the armed forces, or those that were taken away by a senseless crime. So, I know I am blessed. It may not have been the way I intended my daughter's first Christmas to be, but we were together and she and I were smiling, happy and had fun, and one day when we look at the photographs and videos it will speak the truth; it was a joy.  I guess this is the true essence of Christmas.  Hope you all had a similar enriching experience!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Holidays Are What You Make of Them

I'm learning (and guess its better late than never!) that holidays are what I make of them. I haven't been in the holiday mood for some time, or a few years for that matter, but I'm awful glad that someone sprung on me a Christmas cartoon and movie marathon with a roomful of kids (and adults too!). Who knew it was all I needed to get me in the Christmas Spirit and singing Christmas songs to my darling Ariyana. Guess the Christmas spirit is always there ... Merry Christmas everyone, Happy Holidays! Hugs from me and Ari and hope Santa is extra special to all of you! Xoxo

Easy Influences On Our Precious Ones

Ok, here's what happened today. And I believe it is ONE of the reasons why this society has shrugged in their feeble answer as to how crimes are resolved, justified, punished ...etc. 

A boy, age 9, I found out later, was laughing with a friend outside of a temple, on my street. The "child' said to me as I walked by wearing a normal t-shirt and jeans, and sunglasses, "Wow. What a figure!" I couldn't believe it at first and I thought my mind was making me hear something I didn't. But I stepped backwards and I was right. A 9 year old boy was trying to use this line. A) Probably learned it from someone who was older than him at school; B) Watched a scene like this in a Indian movie or TV; C) Learned it from home or family.

I wasn't going to say anything, but then I thought maybe it is because no one says anything to correct anyone, and so I reprimanded the boy and he then said, "Sorry, sister," in his native tongue, Telugu.

Whatever the case was, the fact that a boy his age thought is was "cool" to use this line on a MUCH MUCH older girl, like me, or anyone else, shows us that kids even younger than him are influenced so easy, and it is so important to find out where he and other children are learning this and fix this problem at the root, so children like him do not grow up into the monsters that raped the girl in Delhi.

The death penalty is in place in 33 states in the USA, and if you search the the internet you can see that atrocious crimes are still committed to this day. Might seem as the only action to have in place to control someone who is harming society, but keeping them in jail also serves the same purpose. Getting to the root of the problem is more well worth the energy, time or money. We need to change the mentality in the country.

Respect for Humanity

December 19, 2012

I used be, and I should be proud and feel like I have the added benefit of experiencing both cultures; India and USA, but lately I feel ashamed of being a part of either.  i am so sad and scared for my daughter's safety in the future.  

Senseless murders of children and their heroes last week in Newtown, USA. And yesterday, the news of a young girl gang raped--she was internally bruised to the point that she can never live a normal married life and experience having her own child--on a moving bus, then thrown off off the bus, naked, left for dead, by 6 drunken bus staff members who  who took the bus illegally out for a joyride at night (it's used for a children's school during the daytime) ... and it happened in India's capital, Delhi. And yes, the country is in uproar.  Fear is seen in every girl you pass by, and women are feeling compelled to travel less by bus or taxi now, which limits their mobility even more.

The world won't end because of some Mayan Prophecy; it will end because the lack of respect for humanity is ending.

The Root Cause

December 15, 2012

I am here, in India, untouched physically by the horror that surfaced in Sandy Hook yesterday, yet my soul feels hollow, and I can't explain why I carry the sense of emptiness, loss, fear, anxiety, and the cliff hanger emotion knowing the proximity of the incident. Its happened so many times before, and yes, the sympathy was always there, but maybe its a mixture of being a first time mother, deathly afraid of my child's safety, and the fact that it happened so so so so close to home, and affected so so so many people I know and the people they know. Terror is terror everywhere. And there is no way to know when it will hit you or someone you love, and yes, we've got to do more about security, but we have to do more to learn how to read the signs of these sick individuals and find out what makes them tick. We can do everything to protect, but unless we don't move forward in finding out the root cause instances like this will happen again and again, unfortunately.

Insanity Rises Above Religion, Race, Creed or Color

December 14, 2012 2:00 am

I understand that India may be a third world country in some eyes, and it is in MANY ways, but one thing that remains the same is that terror is terror, evil lurks in every corner wherever we live, and we can't hide from it, whether we choose to live in a modernized, organized, cultural society or not. Today, unfortunately, proves that insanity rises above religion, race, creed, or color. Why people are just simply nuts will always be the question of the hour.

Newtown's Nightmare ... A Plea

December 14, 2012 (12:30 am - India time)

While I DO appreciate EVERY soldier who is fighting and has fought the fight for others' freedom and ours, can I please raise the thought that we might stop concentrating on the battles across the world, and perhaps focus and place more competent manpower to fight the battle of horror that is terrorizing our children in a place where they are supposed to feel safe and secure? Just thinking about the children and the families in CT affected by the insane shooter.

Me and my little Diamond


Talk to the HAND!


Silence .... finally

December 10, 2012 (1:25 am)

What is that hear? Right! Nothing, but silence. No crying, whining or whimpering. Only snoring. And it's only 1:25 am and I still have enough energy to make some dinner and eat it before sunrise!

Nanny Nonsense

December 10, 2012

To my maid/nanny who can't understand any English, I just have to get this off my chest: I'm really beginning to despise you. How dare you put me in a position where I can't even make a plan, or end up cancelling at 12th hour because of your unreliability, and who are you to make to me wonder if you are actually going to show up or not everyday?! Thank you for disrupting mine and Ari's pattern the last few days! And I really wish there was an agency of sorts in India (maybe i should start one?!) to monitor these self employed twits. They seem to have the same mindset as an American DMV (department of motor vehicles) or an American government or postal employee -- they think they rule the world, and think without them nothing be accomplished.

Playtime for Me!

= playtime for me!

Bedtime Rituals

December 4, 2012

Ok, for the last 3 days, Ariyana and I have been practicing a new bedtime ritual, and so far I want to say that it's working (I think! And hopefully, I'm not jinxing myself here!) A hot bath, a body and head oil massage (which pretty much makes her drowsy instantly), a full stomach with solids and milk, her favorite cartoons on her mini personal DVD player.... and soon she's snoring! Yes, she gets up once or twice for a few sips of milk, but the wailing has stopped and I'm a happier mommy, who can at least sleep for 4-5 hours straight!  Man, I never knew how much I missed sleep before, and now I'm actually able to sleep long enough to have some good ;-) dreams!!

A little RUN of Bad Luck?

November 29, 2012

Great! After yesterday's fiasco, now I have a fever, stomach pains and my body aches, and I feel like I'm dying-- even though the rational side of me knows better. I wonder if I've caught another case of diarrhea from eating unknown bacteria, again! It's usually the case.  Is my run of good luck going to ever end?! And of course, Ari won't stay quiet or asleep (yet!) on her own! So I guess there goes motherhood; putting her to sleep while I screech in pain. She better damn well appreciate me for this! It definitely makes me appreciate my mom even more than I did.

Goodnight, Farewell, It's time to say so goodbye and go to sleep!!

November 28, 2012 (2 am)

I am going out of my mind with Ari! She'll be almost 9 months and she still doesn't sleep through the night. I have no idea what's wrong with her ... maybe her teeth, maybe the end of her cold... but thank God my friend is over to help otherwise I would be going out of my mind. 

I mean to say that I was going out of my mind, more than usual.  I am so glad my best friend was with me.  He was awesome. Always is in these situations.

 We tried everything: swayed her, each took turns pacing with her, singing to her, checked her diaper (which was clean as a whistle -- whatever that means anyway!).  Then we used that nasal, booger sucking thingamajig, thinking it her nose was stuffed--nope, it wasn't clogged.  She didn't have a fever, I had already applied Baby Orajel on her gums hours ago.  And she wasn't hungry either; she kept hitting the bottle away in anger, and spitting out the Apple Ceralac, which is usually her favorite.  My friend even made a swing from an old Sari (the fabric that Indian wear as their customary attire), tying it to a hook from the ceiling, and gently placed Ari in it and swung her from side to side.  She cried even louder.  Nothing worked. I had no idea what was wrong.  I was panicking, and getting frustrated. 
Finally, his idea of taking her up to the terrace worked!!!  We tried to avoid it at first, because she still had a runny nose and it was quite chilly, and the mosquitoes in India are nothing to ignore, and there always plenty surfing around up there.  But nothing else worked, so we thought, 'what the hell'. 

I'm so lucky that I have a friend, who will come to my (and Ari's) rescue, (even if it's not his kid), whenever I call, at any hour, even if it means sleep loss for him as well.  A super hero that has the patience to put a crying baby to sleep and calm a single momma with major insomnia trauma, without flinching! Now that's what I call a man!



Thanksgiving Note, better late than never!

November 24, 2012

An awesome life is a state of mind. I choose an awesome life ... going forward. :-) I am little behind in what to be thankful for Thanksgiving. I'm really thankful for old friends who have never given up on me, and new ones who have taken the time to understand me, and hope I spend even more time laughing with them and experiencing and enjoying every moment I can with them. And I save the best for last, my beautiful 8th month, Ariyana --- my joy, motivation, and inspiration to be a better person, and have the life I was always intended to have. Hope all of you had the most wonderful Thanksgiving! 

Just right or not enough?

November 23, 2012

Are there other mothers or single parents (dads too!) that ever feel this way or am I the only one?

I constantly wonder if I'm really a good mom. Am I letting her sleep too much, or am I letting her get away with not sticking to a certain bedtime? If I leave her crying on the floor or bed too long, I feel like others (neighbors) will think I don't care about my child crying, and if I pick her up and soothe her each time she cries for me, I feel like I'm giving in to her manipulation and that it will create a bad pattern.

I want her to be independent, but I don't want her to think I don't care. I want her to build and learn to have a "safe" feeling with me. I'm thinking ahead... I want her to feel like I will always be there for her no matter what. I want to create an atmosphere where she will feel at ease to she share anything with me.  I want to her feel confident that I will always be there for here if she is ever in deep trouble. And I feel like that starts now. Or maybe I read it somewhere, and I'm just freaking out.

So, why do I feel like the most terrible mother when I try to have my "me time"? When I'm out, and supposed to be enjoying adult time with friends, I'm constantly thinking about my daughter, even though I know I'm out to free my mind, and rejuvenate myself so I can give my best to her. I guess I always worry that I'll miss a significant development, or that she is probably experiencing separation anxiety, which is often developed in the 8th month, or so I read somewhere. ( I do a lot reading these days at 4 am when I'm at my wits end!) 


She's at the stage where she clings to only me, and won't let anyone else, except the maid/part-time nanny, hold her, which makes friends so uncomfortable, and difficult for me to get anything done--even writing, or a quick trip to the bathroom!

I watch her sleep, and I wonder if I'm giving her everything she needs to be happy. I'm not talking about the basics - diapers, milk, safe place to rest her head, and love from me, but I really wonder if I'm letting her down in any way, if I'm disciplining her appropriately or enough, teaching her the right tools in life so she won't become a leach on society and on (me!). I wonder if she is experiencing all of life that a child her age should be experiencing and making memories from. And since I do it all on my own, without an active father, though she has male role models in her life, I wonder what is she really missing out on, and am I enough for her?

And I don't have to try to keep her my priority, she is one, but after worrying about work, daily routines, getting her ready and prepared for the day, and calming my own insanity, I honestly feel like I forget to let her experience certain things on her own, simply because it is easier for me to do it for her. Certain things like, letting herself make a mess and try to examine her food, and maybe try to feed herself, and picking her up and calming her cries, because the screeching is annoying me and I have to get back to work in a peaceful atmosphere.

She smiles, and laughs, and plays with me a lot, and I know she trusts me and loves to be with me, but she cries an awful lot too, especially when I put her down for even a moment. I feel she doesn't seem to like her independent playtime. Is she like this because she is unhappy? Is this because she doesn't have an active father in her life? Or is this normal? I don't know.

Every time a holiday or festival comes around, I see other children experiencing it with their families and even though she doesn't understand much of the holidays, I wonder how she will feel when doesn't find a photograph of her "first" holiday. Am I just being paranoid? Am I over thinking? Am I being obsessive? I guess this is all emerging with Thanksgiving being yesterday...

And being in foreign country, India, our outings our limited too, though I and my friends try to take her out even for walk (well, she can't exactly walk - I walk and she eye-walks), but I do know a visit outside and even a short walk to the market really boosts her spirit.

I only wonder incessantly if I'm allowing her to experience life as she should be, or am I limiting her in any way, which will incapacitate her ability to develop into an affectionate, compassionate, strong, honest, confident, happy, contributing member of society and proud of herself.